I think we can all agree that it’s only a matter of time before the aliens muster up enough courage to visit planet earth, again. Rumors continue to circulate, leaving many to believe their arrival will be before year’s end. 

Not if, but when this happens they will inevitably demand a rematch in some hoops after getting dismantled by Michael Jordan and the Toon Squad way back in ’96. 

Before you hide your wife, kids and livestock, just know we won’t take this lying down. This is war. 

They had their chance and have seemingly forgotten the golden rule…

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Fast forward 20 years later and the extraterrestrial creatures are finally back for revenge. Makes sense — you can’t get completely emasculated in front of all mankind and not have some sort of response. Sure, it was two decades ago, but that’s not the kind of loss you ever really get over. How were they ever supposed to go about their extravagant alien lives, when on quite literally the world’s biggest stage, you show up and get annihilated by the GOAT and company. Humbling experience to say the least. 

So once again their master plan is to descend upon us and threaten our existence in a do-or-die, winner-take-all cage match. With MJ now out of the picture, who are we to turn to? 

Yes, the game has evolved. No, it’s not nearly as physical as it once was. You think the aliens care? I don’t think so. We have to assume they are going to play like their families are being held hostage and will be executed unless they return victorious. 

That being said, let’s prepare for a game where Prison Ball rules apply. No whistles for hand-checks, illegal screens, or block/charge discrepancies. Straight up, first to 11, by any means necessary. Although, dick checks are strictly prohibited, sorry Draymond.. 

Let’s get to the meat and potatoes of this whole thing.

https://youtu.be/NsIB3-t2j3A

AND NOW TO INTRODUCE OUR STARTING 5!

At guard, standing 6’3 from Davidson University, Steph Curry.

Steph’s lights-out shooting, along with his creative ball handling and passing abilities, make him an easy selection. His quick release and high arching shot will bode well in this otherworldly showdown. The beauty of his game is that one second the alien defender may think he has him contained, the next he’s been put in a blender and shredded by a 205-pound baby-faced assassin. You can’t stop him, you can only hope to contain him. Is it a plane, is it a bird — no it’s just another one of Steph’s 3-point layups from the parking lot. Run for your lives, it’s Point Guardzilla!

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Remember when Steph drained this game-tying, three-point shot over Anthony Davis and the entire Pelicans squad to force an improbable overtime period with his eyes closed? Yeah, so do I.

 

At guard, standing 6’10 from the University of Texas, Kevin Durant.

I know what you’re thinking — but KD isn’t a guard!! Listen, KD can play any position on the floor. He has an uncanny ability to handle the ball. His 7’6 wingspan also allows him to shoot over anyone at any time. Besides, his game isn’t defined by his position on the stat sheet. KD will undoubtedly have every alien that moves in his crosshairs. He’s a glorified sniper, who totes his Barrett .50 cal wherever he goes. Clearly a no-brainer to crack this starting lineup. Here’s hoping he’s visited the Wizard of Oz and gained a heart after his Western Conference meltdown. 

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Yo Tayshaun, got something in your eye, chief.

 

At small forward, standing 6’8 from St. Vincent St. Mary’s High School, LeBron James.

As much as I despise his desperate need for attention, there is no denying his on-court dominance. I think I speak for most when I say, I like my LeBron James with a sock in his mouth. It definitely beats all of his insufferable, zany antics off the court. But I digress and like KD, LeBron is as versatile a player as we have in today’s game. Can anyone get to the rim at will, better than this guy? No, the answer is a resounding no. Let’s not get carried away here — he’s clearly no MJ, and on this team he doesn’t need to be. Here we need his physicality, raw athleticism and unyielding two-way play which has made him a tenacious competitor for over a decade.

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Nobody’s seen or heard from Jason Terry since. If you do spot Jason, we urge you to contact your local authorities. Thoughts and prayers go out to the entire Terry family.

 

At power forward, standing 6’11 from the University of Kentucky, DeMarcus Cousins. 

This rematch with the aliens is not for the weak. It’s going be ugly and at times, downright nasty. Just how we like it, am I right? However, we’ll need someone who’s willing to go into the trenches, to scratch and claw his way to rebounds and loose balls, en route to second chance points. We’ll need someone who will go into the dark corners, and do the dirty work, all for the betterment of the team. And who better for the job than DeMarcus Cousins? Few possess the anger that Boogie demonstrates on a nightly basis. This guy generates more fury than anyone I’ve seen in some time. Not to mention, if there’s a brawl, who else would you want to lead with their chin. Nobody, that’s who. Of course, I have to assume if any of these guys are capable of an illegal dick punch, it’d have to be Boogie.

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Somebody forgot to tell Calderon not to bring Kool-Aid to a grown man party. And when you do bring Kool-Aid to a grown man party, you get Demarcus all up in your kitchen. You best see your way out, Jose. 

 

And at center, standing 6’10 from the University of Kentucky, Anthony Davis.

As our last line of defense, Davis is someone who will fiercely defend the rim with his life, Mr. Unibrow himself. This mammoth of a man is an anchor I’d happily attach my ship to. Anthony attacks the rim with no regard for alien life. A master of disaster, an electric factory, a man who will go up, over and through you to bury a bucket. He’s a guy who can chew up a ton of ground at an unequivocal rate to get to where he needs to be on the court. His perimeter game has seen drastic improvement since entering the league — adding yet another long distance threat to this group.

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RIP Omer Asik. Omer was last seen trying to defend his turf, but everybody knows you don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. In all seriousness, Omer was a great guy. A happy-go-lucky fellow, who I’m sure made a great neighbor. But stand in Unibrow’s way and you rarely make it out alive. More like Asik and DESTROYED!

To make a long story boring, the aliens certainly have their work cut out versus this starting 5. 

Everyone knows the United States runs the basketball free-world. These aliens think that just because there’s no more Toon Squad, there’s no more competition? One thing I’ve learned is that, when your enemy makes a mistake, you don’t interrupt them. Guess the joke’s on them, because America is still the hub of the basketball universe.

Twenty years later, nothing’s changed. Obviously, gas prices have changed, clothing style has changed, and music has changed. But this is basketball. This is our game. And though much has changed since our last encounter, even more has stayed the same. The aliens and their apparent short-term memory just need a not-so-friendly reminder. Nothing to see here, just a mortal lock of the century and another win for the USA.

Operation Domination on three: 1-2-3…. 

-JG

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