I’ll just get this out of the way: This story is a couple weeks old. But I live in the center of my own universe and since it’s news to me, it’s news to everyone as far as I’m concerned.

Obviously, each year presents us with new and improved ways of performing daily tasks. Why should 2017 be any different? It’s a fact of life; we all gotta eat. And yes, from time to time we all inevitably engage in savage behavior towards our favorite treats when the opportunity presents itself. So when I heard one of the most delicious delicacies to ever grace an oven is now more alluring than ever, naturally I’m going to get pretty tight in the pants.

So without further ado, the Glonut!

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Are you kidding me? A donut that glows in the dark? When something this innovative, this groundbreaking, this life changing hits the airways, I need to know about it immediately. I should be waking up to a gazillion alerts on my phone from every media outlet ever telling me of this glorious glonut. I mean, I already regarded the donut as a middle-of-the-order bat on the Dessert All-Star team, but THIS, this is a Hall of Fame, lock of the century dessert. I don’t want to put the cart ahead of the horse here, but the glonut is easily the leading candidate for Greatest Invention of the Year.

Look at it. Just look at it. All that sweet, savory goodness drizzling down the sides of that perfectly round cake. Everyone who knows anything about donuts knows the glazed icing is the pinnacle of the pastry. After all, the icing is what initially grabs your eye and ultimately tickles your fancy. The picture alone is like that essay you wrote in eighth grade; it’s just that persuasive. And now you’re telling me if my power goes out, and I have no source of lighting, I can efficiently find my way to my guiltiest of pleasures by simply following the “glow”? This is TRULY a gift that keeps on giving.

I’m not breaking any news when I say, literally nobody has ever had buyers remorse after purchasing a single donut, let alone a dozen. And if you are one those people saying, “Well that one time…”, you don’t actually mean that. However, if you do mean that, promptly castrate yourself, for we don’t need anymore of your kind roaming our lands.

I digress.

Theoretically, this will save (drunk) lives across America. Imagine getting dropped off at home after a long night of drinking. You know damn well you aren’t going to cook anything because, duh. So you routinely check the fridge to see if there are any leftovers. Spoiler alert: there never is. But just as you turn out the kitchen light and turn for your room, it hits you. That heavenly glow from the box of glonuts your roommate bought earlier. The glow quickly illuminates the entire room and you know what you have to do. Now listen, I’m not advocating for ever eating your roomie’s food, but desperate times call for desperate measures. When it comes to drunk munchies, there is no code of ethics, no book of unwritten rules to follow. Because let’s be honest, the moment you cast your eyes upon the box, those glonuts never stood a chance anyways. So instead of starving to death and waking up to a wicked hangover, you beat that hangover to the punch by drowning yourself in those glonuts and all their glazed glory.

BOOM, lives saved. You’re welcome.

-JG

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